Deep Secrets Trilogy
by DaniiButNotBeck
Summary: Amanda's gambling addiction healing journey.
1. Reflection

Title: Deep Secrets: Reflection

Character(s): Amanda Rollins

Rating: K+

Author's Note: These characters aren't mine. If they were, things would be different, and I wouldn't have to worry about paying for college. They belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. Do I have that right? Anyways, the only things I own are almost a dozen textbooks, a box of old candy canes, and a laptop I got for my birthday. This chapter is based on the song "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson. I don't own her or this song. Also, you can thank my friend Kaitlyn for this idea. She had it first; I'm just "borrowing" it.

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Reflections in mirrors are often misleading. If I were to look in my mirror, I would see myself as others see me: strong, blond, blue-eyed, attractive but not drop-dead gorgeous. But that's just at first glance. You have to look deeper to see the real me.

And that's where it gets messy.

_It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down. It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time and I know I let you have all the power._

I can't stop.

It's not that I don't want to, because I do. I literally _cannot_ stop.

Every Monday night after work I walk into that dingy little bar. I place my bets with money that I don't even have.

I'm not gambling with money anymore.

I'm gambling with my life.

_It's like you're a leech, sucking the life from me. It's like I can't breathe without you inside of me. And I know I let you have all the power and I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time._

I know I'm getting closer to the bottom.

I'm losing this game.

But I can't function without the risk, the danger, the high.

It holds all the power over me and I know that I can't quit.

_It's like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything, nothing but you. I'm addicted to you. It's like I can't think without you interrupting me. In my thoughts, in my dreams, you've taken over me. It's like I'm not me._

I'm addicted, hooked, dependent on it.

It's in my dreams, my thoughts, completely taking over my life.

It interrupts everything I do.

I'm hooked.

I can't stop it.

And I don't want to.

This isn't me.

_I'm hooked on you. I need a fix. I can't take it. Just one more hit. I promise I can deal with it. I'll handle it, quit it. Just one more time then that's it. Just a little bit more to get me through this._

I can do this.

I can quit it.

I'm in charge.

I'm in control.

I can do this.

Just one more time then I'm done.

Once more and then I'm done.

But I can't stop.

I can't.

This isn't me.

It's not me.


	2. Sober

Title: Deep Secrets: Sober

Character(s): Amanda Rollins

Rating: K+

Author's Note: This chapter is based on the song "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson. I don't own her or this song. The idea for this one also came from my friend Kaitlyn.

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_And I don't know, this could break my heart or save me. Nothing's real until you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me._

Captain Cragen found out. He should've taken my gun and my badge, but he got me help instead. I've been going to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. It's been three months since the last time I gambled.

_And I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right. No comparing, second guessing, no not this time._

I could still crash and burn.

But I don't want to.

I want to get this right.

I can do this.

I know I can.

I can see myself at the end of this road.

I can do this.

_Three months and I'm still standing here. Three months and I'm getting better. Three months and I still am._

I'm still here.

I'm still getting better.

I still exist.

I can do this.

_Three months and it's still harder now. Three months I've been living here without you now. Three months yeah, three months._

It's hard, so hard.

But I can do this.

I can succeed.

I don't need it.

I can do this.

_Three months and I'm still breathing. Three months and I still remember it. Three months and I wake up._

I wake up.

I'm alive.

God, it feels so good.

I still remember the adrenaline rush, the danger.

But I don't need it.

I don't need it.

_Three months and I'm still sober._

Three months.

I'm still sober.

I'm still sober.


	3. Rise

Title: Deep Secrets: Rise

Character(s): Amanda Rollins

Rating: K+

Author's Note: This chapter is based on the song "Rise" by the McClain Sisters.

_._

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_I used to be afraid of giving up. The road was just too tough. Out here on my own, my path was so alone. But now I see clearly. Everything within me is reaching up to the sky; I can see the world with open eyes. You can't let it pass you; just take hold and grasp it. Now's the time to take a chance. With the strength of a thousand men, climbing to my feet again._

One year.

A whole entire year.

Well, 368.4 days, to be exact.

I can't even believe it.

The world is so much clearer.

The sun is so much brighter.

Life is so much better.

I'm not falling.

I'm not failing.

_Never lift your head up to the sky and find yourself asking, "Why?" Never see them eye to eye with the hardships of life._

Sure, there have been doubts.

There have been almost-failures.

The most major one was at four months sober.

I stopped myself just as I was about to give the money to the bookie.

That night I had Fin become my guardian.

He makes sure I only have enough money for the essentials.

It's unfortunate really.

But it's necessary.

_But faith is where my heart is, let energy replace my doubts. Won't let my trials get the best of me. I'm marching forward towards my destiny._

But I won't let it define me.

Only I can define myself.

This is all in the past.

I'm getting better.

So much better.

I'm rising.


End file.
